here we go again...

Ok, here we go again...this will be an exercise in my self discipline and diligence to put my thoughts down daily, in some sort of a coherent and cognitive sort of way. It seems as I ponder questions of what I am doing each day and why I am doing them that I keep coming to the crossroad of indecision about what to do next. Doors open and I tend to peer inside without actually committing and stepping across the threshold. By not committing to an opportunity I allow myself the freedom to be ambiguous and have excuses for not actually making any forward progress. Although I have all the right intentions and vision to build for the future, I create situations that leave the door open while keeping me from actually having to do anything. It is amazing to me that while I realize what I am doing is detrimental to my success, I can at the same time continue to allow my self-defeating habits to continue unchecked and control my decision making process. I spent nearly 20 years working in a job that I was able to hide from my responsibilities and pretend to be doing something positive, where it was easier to keep my head down and go through the motions. The rut I found myself trudging along was comfortable and on the surface made me look like I was moving upward, but inevitably it was a slow downward spiral that caused me to tread water for a great portion of my life. The skill set that I employed made it increasingly more comfortable for me to pretend that I was doing good. The end result was finding myself going through the same trials and tests over and over again without seeing that although the questions changed, the answer remained the same.

Where am I going with this internal dialouge? At this moment, I feel that just trying to find a starting point, a new beginning is as positive a step as I can make. Getting this out and searching for a coherent thread that I can follow, a thread that will help me reconstruct the tapestry of the vision that I have laid out in my mind versus continuing to pull the thread and unravel the beauty of a vision achieved. I know that there is value in what I have to offer and the battle of self-doubt is a continuing effort. By putting my thoughts here and forcing myself to make the effort, no one else is going to do it for me, I can change my mental attitude and move myself forward. Change must start from within and by getting my thoughts and heart together on the same page and moving in the same rhythm momentum for positive results can be achieved. Cliche's are easy to spout "today is the first day of the rest of my life" but if I am not going to start today realizing that "tomorrow never comes" I will find myself taking the same opportunities and turning them into challenges never realized. This is just the start of many good things to come. As I move forward with the newest opportunities to be presented to me, I will endeavor to go over those experiences from the recent past which have brought me here.

I know that what I am doing will be most helpful to myself, but I truly hope that by putting my thoughts to the page, I will also enlighten someone to not make the same mistakes I have made and allow them to maybe find the strength within themselves to step out and walk a path of positive growth and new beginnings.

until tomorrow (which never comes) I will be writing today!